Shoe Shopping

Mandy: At the store today we saw some black dominatrix shoes in my size. 

Nick: Oh, is that what the lady's name is on The Matrix?  Donna?

Haircut

Mandy: You know, I sort of have a John Lennon hair cut.

Spice Girls

Dad: I hear the Spice Girls are reuniting for the Olympic closing ceremonies.

Me: Uh... who are the Spice Girls?

Dad: I'm so proud of you.

*Sits on wall*

Spider: *Sits on wall*
Mandy: Get in the cup for me.
Spider: *Doesn't move*
Mandy: Go on, get in the cup and I'll take you outside.
Spider: *Doesn't move*
Mandy: C'mon, lovi, you don't want to die and I don't want to hurt you.
Spider: *Gets in cup*

Urban Defense

Mandy: Ooh, that's a cool gun!
Nick: I know. I want a steampunk bazooka like that one.
Mandy: Wait... for what?
Nick: Urban defense, obviously.

Opera

Mom: I hate how he doesn't blink while he's singing.  It's like he's holding his breath with his eyes.

Bucket List

Mom: You shouldn't have a bucket list, you're twelve.

Why We Don't Have a God

Dad: Aww.... you're going in the chipper, ain't you, doggy?

Problem Girl

Mandy: Hey, cool!

Nick: What?

Mandy: You know how my ipod wouldn't turn on? I dropped it down the stairs and now it's working again!

 Nick: You should do that to all your problems from now on.

Nocturnal

Ty: Why is your turtle sleeping? It should wake up!

Mandy: Well, she's nocturnal, so she sleeps during the day.

Ty: She's a... night turtle?  That's weird.  Wanna play guns with us?

The Face of God

Facebook: Would you like to tag this picture?

Mom: Sure, if you want me to tag the face of God.

Hair

Mandy: My hair is weird. One side curls and the other side is flat, and then the next day the other side is curly and the curly side is flat.

 Mom: It's the delicate balance of keeping Mandy's head on straight.

The Fourth Wall

Nick: We can't break the fourth wall; that's the only thing holding up the ceiling!  What if it rains?  Then what?

Dysfunction

Mandy: On our introduction thing-y, Mom put that our family consists of 1 dad, 1 mom, 2 teenagers, a turtle, and a rabbit.

Nick: We sound dysfunctional already.

The Things I Miss in the Bathroom

Mom: Hey, do you want to take his quiz to see what your animal name is?  We're all sloths, though, because our last name is Cooke.

Mandy: Uh, sure.  What's mine?

Mom: Flopsy the hairy sloth. 

Mandy:  Tich, that's stupid.  What's Nick's?

Mom: Sammy the not so shabby sloth. 

Mandy: Okay, that one's more funny.  How about yours?

Mom: Er... I'm Voldemort the laughing sloth. 

Mandy: Oh my gosh, seriously?

Mom: It's a good thing I married your dad, or else I'd be Voldemort the laughing banana slug.

Nick: What's everyone laughing about?

Mandy: Mom is Voldemort the laughing banana slug!

Nick: ...I miss so much stuff when I go to the bathroom. 

Hell, high water, or bad grammar

Mandy: Hey, are you playing that new mining game you got?

Nick: Yeah, I'm going to go try to chop down those stalagmites on the ceiling.

Mandy: I think those are stalactites.

Nick: How can you tell?

Mandy: 'Cause on the ceiling they have to hold on tight.

Nick: Don't they have to hold on with all their might?

Mandy: ...Now you have me confused.

Nick: Well, I'm going to go chop them down anyway, come hell or high water or bad grammar.

Do Shoes Have Souls?

The white board on our fridge - grocery list, to-do list, Mandy's take on being 16, and her existential pondering for the day.  

Pig Sweat

Mandy: You know, I think pigs would be a lot higher up on the evolutionary line if they could sweat.

Mom: Sweat? 

Dad: 'Hey, if we melted down that ore, we could make a plow and sow some seeds and pretty soon we'd have a farm!  Except...'

Mandy: 'It's really hot.'

Dad: They probably figured it all out, realized it would take a hundred thousand generations of pigs dying of heat before they could take over the world.

Mom: If only they could see us now, turning them all into bacon.

Dad: Yeah, they're so smart.  They should've known this was coming. 

Mandy: I bet they sit and wallow in their mud and think, 'If we had sweat glands, we would be top of the food chain right now!'

Existentialism

Mandy: Why did God put fruit in the Garden of Eden if the people couldn't eat it?

Dad: Maybe he wanted to eat it. Maybe it was a giant tomato plant that he wanted for his spaghetti.

Mandy: Where did he get the spaghetti?

Dad: The spaghetti tree.

Mom: As seen on April Fool's Day.

Dad: Yeah, Eve lost us that privilege after they got kicked out of the Garden.

Mandy: ...Does God eat?

Whiplash or Potato Chips

Nick:  You know, trampolines are a great way to get people exercising.  Let's change that potential energy into kinetic energy, everyone!  

Mandy:  You're gonna have to put that into layman's terms for all the non-geeky people.

Nick:  Okay, then let's change those potato chips into whiplash!

Mandy:  Whiplash?

Nick:  I assume the non-geeky people like adventure.